new rules for work

[Andrew]

VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES



Company Policy: Effective from May 2006



Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.



Annual Leave Days

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.



Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.



Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic offenders category.
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.



Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slimfast.



Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.



The Management

[DeMoN]

LOL, but they forgot:

Maternity Leap

Being pregnant or having a child does not lead to edcused absence. Since all women apparently think to be equal to men, they too should come to work under those circumstances.

[ARMAN]

Shoot that boss

[Mattk]

Like this one.

Everyone knows Colin:

Colin was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?" Colin replied: "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts: "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said: "Who the f*ck's that on the balcony with Colin?"

All from http://www.pdh-odp.co.uk/jokes.htm

[spanky]

Always luved that Rules for work thing goin round the net thanks for putting it up here dude!!!


Funny joke Mattk Still laughin at it.