Jokes my dad sent me - Part Deux

[sameerrao]

Generals
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement scheme. They promised any general who retired straight away would get his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... “From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles.� The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider; pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. “My God!� he said. “Where are your testicles?� The general replied, “In Vietnam�.

The Future
During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

“There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.�
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked her question. “Will I be acquitted?�

Guarantee
On wedding day brides father hands a note to the groom, which read: “Goods delivered once shall not be taken back�.

Groom too gave a note to the girl’s father: “Guarantee voids if seal is broken�.

American History
It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said: "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, - "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: - "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. - "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, - "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks - "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, - "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, - "Gary Conduit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in big trouble!"
And Suzuki said, "Arthur Andersen, 2001."